This is one of the main things I've really noticed about myself these past three weeks. I mean, I've always known that I'm a sinful being and thus, naturally selfish but I had kind of accepted that and ignored how much that fact is infused into every single part of my life. As I learn more and more about what it means to be selfless, I see how much I really think it should be all about me.
I sit in training and hear stories of past immersion participants who have had to help slaughter goats, carry heavy water buckets on their heads in the intense heat for miles, and eat meat off of some kind of skull by picking it out with a little fork. And my thoughts are, "WHAT?! No, no, no. No thank you,God. None of that seems all that pleasant to me and while I'm here ready to serve these next few months, I think I could be better used in other areas where I'm not expected to do hard labor and consume things that make me want to puke."
Then I'm informed that many girls come back actually gaining weight from this trip as their diet in Africa consists only of protein and carbs. "I did not sign up to gain weight on this. I'd really rather not come back in the height of swimsuit season heavier than I was."
Then we arrive the first night in New York and I see the classroom we're sleeping in for two weeks. On a mat. On the floor. With about 10 other girls. With a security light that NEVER goes off. "Neat."
One day at my service site, we're asked to shovel the entire morning. And my first thoughts when I hear this? "I hate shoveling. This sucks. I hope it goes fast."
As I become more aware of these selfish thoughts and desires creeping into my mind constantly, I notice my first thought waking up almost instantly is that I want to sleep longer. Getting on the subway and with an hour commute to Brooklyn, I groan in my mind about how long it is or how uncomfortable I am being squished between two strangers.
I sound like quite the princess after reading all of this outloud so its kind of embarrassing to post. Some of you may be thinking I'll never make it in Africa. But here's why I'm sharing this:
Even in the midst of my selfishness and complaints, even when I'm doing things for the wrong intentions, even when God has prepared something incredible for me and I think I know best and tell him, "uh, no thanks God, surely there's something better I could do," HE STILL LOVES ME.
If I were Him, I would have dropped me a long time ago. I would have told me to shut up and stop complaining because being God, I obviously know what's best. But He doesnt. In fact, instead he showers me with more blessings than I could ever imagine, even though there is no way I even slightly deserve them.
Though after reading the top of this, it doesnt aound like it, these past three weeks have been an amazing start to my six month journey. God has humbled me and shown me over and over that He's got this. He's ALWAYS going to provide and He's NEVER going to leave me hanging.
On day two of my week of training in Indiana, God showed me that He already had friends picked out for me that were going to come alongside me in this adventure and support me in every way. It was amazing how quickly our team clicked and bonded. It's obvious that these relationships could only be formed this quickly, this strongly, by God himself. My teammates are genuine and caring, examples of Christ's love in everyday life. They're also hilarious and fun to be around, making me laugh and providing me with joy even in the most exhausting and annoying of times.
God gave me an amazing place to serve these past two weeks, the Salvation Army in Bay Ridge in Brooklyn. This church is doing an unbelievably awesome job at seeing their community as a mission field and reaching out in love to all that need it. We were able to help them clean and organize their huge food pantry, do some cleaning, shoveling, organizing their basement, and helping with the kids at the after school program. The staff were welcoming and kind, going above and beyond to make us feel loved on and appreciated. They spoiled us with pizza, donuts, cookies, tours around the neighborhood, and a trip to Cony Island. It meant so much for them to go out of their way and serve us which taught me a lot. I pray that we can carry that on and impact those we meet everywhere we go.
In the past, I have decided to be selfless only to the point that I wanted to be. But God isn't content with just getting part of me. He wants all of me. We're not called to live a life where we get to decide on the limits of how much we love or serve someone. And while that really doesn't sound like all that much fun, the beginning of this trip is proof that when you do your best to give Him everything, (even when you fail) He gives far more than you can even imagine.
He gave me a new family I get to spend this next half of a year with while away from those I love the most. He's shown me He's working all over the place through different people and in ways I've never thought of. He brought together people from all different walks of life to worship together and praise His name. He's teaching me what it means to die to myself and become more of the person he wants me to be. And! He let me explore New York, a city I've always wanted to visit.
As we get ready to leave tomorrow, I'm just thankful for these past two weeks in Harlem, to learn, love, and build relationships even when I don't deserve it, turning my selfish moments into some that I'm most thankful for. Though I started this journey three weeks ago with an anxious, nervous, and sad heart, God replaced it with a joyful excitement of what's to come these next few months.
SEE YA ON TUESDAY, AFRICA!!!!!He must become greater, I must become less. John 3:30
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