12 Hours Till Go Time!

The main questions I've received the past few weeks...

"Are you ready for your trip?!"
    -"Nope."

"You're all packed?"
   -"Not even close." (That is, until 8:00pm the night before)

"Are you so excited?!"
    -"Ehh...Not exactly."

"Are you nervous?"
    -"YES!"

I'm going to Africa. For SIX MONTHS. I can repeat this as many times as I want but no matter how many times I do it, I still can't believe it. It still doesn't feel real. It's the night before but I still don't feel ready and I don't think I ever really will. This is just one of those things where I have to jump in head first, relying on God to catch me.

I'm sure when people ask me the above questions, they are expecting a huge smile to cover my face and for me to enthusiastically answer all of the questions right away.  They probably expect me to give an eager countdown until the day I leave or to talk about how I've been so excited that I started packing months ago. But if I'm going to be honest, I feel far from those things. The past few days have been filled with a HUGE array of emotions, happy to be with family, thankfully aware of each little moment with them, stressed that I won't finish everything in time or that I'll forget something, upset with each and every goodbye, terrified that things won't go the way I hope, doubtful that I'm doing the right thing, and nervous of all of the unknown.

The things that are causing me the most anxiety are the time, distance, and lack of communication. I have never been that far from home for this long with such an unsure mode of communication. The past few days have been hard saying goodbye to the people that I love the most and there have been several times that I have wanted to throw in the towel and give up because it's too hard.

BUT, I know that part of God's plan includes me going on this trip. My emotions change as my circumstances change, but God NEVER changes. He is the only constant I have and I can have faith in His plan. In each and every adventure that He's taken me on, He has held my hand the whole way through and never let me fall. He's pushed me a little bit further each and every time and has been preparing me for this. Once again, He's asking me to trust Him and lean into Him with all that I have which is what this trip will force me to do. God tells us over and over in the Bible to not be afraid. I believe that if fear is the ONLY thing keeping you back from doing something, it's not a good enough reason. The experiences that I've had that were the ones I was most nervous for were also the most life-changing ones, the times when I felt closest to God, when I most clearly saw Him at work, or when He grew me the most as a person.

Does this mean I feel totally confident going into this? No. But it does mean that I can cling to His promises  throughout this experience regardless of my feelings. Throughout this whole process leading up to this trip, everything fell perfectly into place. The bulk of my trip was paid for from the beginning through a surprise circumstance. Then in the months between returning from Guatemala and leaving for this trip, I was offered a long-term substitute position for that exact amount of time. When I realized I needed more money for a plane ticket and equipment, I sold the exact amount of shirts that I needed to cover the costs plus extra. The total of this trip was over $10,000 and God completely provided me with that and more. It's like He's saying, "Jackie, I've got you. I'm taking care of every little thing. And you still don't trust me after that?! Here's even some more to prove to you that I have it covered and you don't need to do anything but show up." After saying this, I amaze myself with how dumb I can be, still wondering if this is what I'm supposed to be doing. But even then, He starts sending me love and encouragement through the amazing people in my life in the form of tons of text messages, calls, notes, and prayers. He knows exactly what I need when I need it and always provides. Why would it be any different in another continent? There is no way I shouldn't be confident in Him.

God is incredible and following Him is an adventure. Never would I have imagined myself heading to Africa after college but here I am. Yes, I'm still scared and yes, I'm going to miss home and all of the amazing people in it, but I'm clinging to His hand as tightly as I can, anxiously awaiting what it is that He wants to show me.