When Color Fades

To a true child of God, the invisible bond that unites all believers to Christ is far more tender, and lasting, and precious; and, as we come to recognize and realize that we are all dwelling in one sphere of life in Him, we learn to look on every believer as our brother, in a sense that is infinitely higher than all human relationships. This is the one and only way to bring disciples permanently together. All other plans for promoting the unity of the Church have failed. -A.T. Pierson

What binds us together is not common education, common race, common income levels, common politics, common nationality, common accents, common jobs, or anything else of that sort. Christians come together because they have all been loved by Jesus himself. -D.A. CarJesu

Nsiowa smiles as she holds up a piece of my hair that she picked off of me. "Look what I have! They say a white person's hair is good luck." I try to take one of her hairs saying hers must be good luck too but my attempts to convince her of this are futile. And with this conversation, my heart breaks a little bit. 

Nsiowa is an amazing individual that God has clearly hand picked to use in increasing His kingdom here in Africa. She completed the Growing Nations resident student program last year and now runs an after school bible study for kids three days a week. She has felt Gods call to be a missionary and is soon going to begin training to minister to the Muslim community somewhere in Africa. She's brave, strong, willing, and focused on following His call to unknown places. She has so much to offer and because of experiences and life circumstances that God has given her, she will be much more effective in bringing Christ to these people than I could be.  

And though embedded in a silly tradition or saying, her comment reminded me that there is still this undeniable underlying idea of "us and them." Along with that comes a view that one group stands above the other for no differentiating factor other than the color of their skin because it has been engrained into the minds of our societies for years. This belief undermines the dignity of the so called "inferior" group and causes them to believe this ridiculous lie that they are somehow less capable and less called than others to spread His kingdom. 

But this couldn't be further from the truth. Christ died for ALL of us regardless of skin color, regardless of economic or societal status, regardless of languages, regardless of choices made, regardless of ANYTHING other than the truth that He loves all of his people and desires to have a relationship with them, knowing them and being known. This gift He's given us makes us all His children, unifying us to be one giant, beautiful, colorful family. 

"For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function,

so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others." Romans 12:4-5

He created all of us with a unique purpose in mind. We're all called to bring others closer to Him through loving but how we go about doing that is different based in the various gifts, personality traits, experiences, and passions that He's given each of us. We all hold value and play a crucial role in His overarching plan. Therefore, NO ONE is any less important but rather God desires to use EVERYONE. 

Being a part of this body of Christ is a gift. We are loved by a relational God who uses people as a way to speak to us, influence us, and teach us more about Him. He brings all of His children together in these crazy ways that cause you to look back and know that these connections could only have come from Him. 

For example my host sister, Rethabile, lives in a remote village tucked in a mountain valley, an hour walk from the nearest village. She's grown up in a country where people get around on donkeys or horses, carry water on their heads, wear blankets, and eat pap. We speak different languages, have different customs, spend our time differently, and have different goals and dreams. In fact, our lives couldn't be more different from each other. Yet regardless of all that, we still found ways to connect and even build a friendship. Jesus has shown us both who we are in Him and that's enough to unite us. Not to mention, a lot of perfectly orchestrated details had to line up in each of our lives for us to even cross paths. But God planned our meeting long ago and knew he'd use us as instruments to impact each others lives.

When you're on the other side of the world in a church where everything is unfamiliar to you and yet you still feel at home, that is the unity of Christ. Unity is when your cheeks literally hurt from smiling as you're standing in a line being warmly and genuinely greeted by every member of the congregation as they dance by. 

It's each morning as you stand in a circle with your host brothers and sisters lifting all your voices as one to the same God who loves to hear His children singing to Him.

Unity is being welcomed in to join this group of loud, exuberant, middle-aged women who are acting as the cheering section at the big soccer game. It's feeling like instant friends as they immediately begin teaching you their songs and dances. Its laughing together as if you've shared jokes together forever. Its being able to connect and fun together without even speaking the same language.

Its standing in a crowd being one of the only two white people but not really even realizing it until you've already been standing there awhile.

It's sharing questions and thoughts with each other as you study His word and grow in it together.

It's working alongside each other to finish planting a field or joining together to teach children about Gods love for them.

In Christ, bonds are created with people you've never met who live thousands of miles across the ocean and live a completely different lifestyle than you. Lasting friendships are formed as you're able to be vulnerable with each other knowing we are all broken and growing together in Christ. God speaks, people are encouraged, and lives are changed.Foreign places start to feel like home. In the body of Christ, we appreciate others, seeing them as God does and knowing they have purpose and value.

When we're focused on Christ's great love and grace for us, everything just clicks. Theres no more room for petty disagreements or arguments. There isn't time to dwell on differences, on the things that keep us apart from each other. Instead, the focus switches to all that we have in common and seeing those differences as something to be celebrated. Walls come down and distinct colors seen before begin to fade into colors of all the same hue. Ideas of superiority are forgotten and we're all simply people again, masterpieces made in His image.

During these moments of unity I was given a small glimpse of what's to come in Heaven. A place where people of every color will be united with no walls of separation. A place overflowing with joy where brothers and sisters are joined together for the sole purpose of loving and praising their Father.

But God doesn't want us to just sit around in anticipation waiting for that day to come. No, we're supposed to bring His kingdom come. We're supposed to allow Him to use us to reconcile others to Himself.

Sometimes, we're the person that God chooses to be that connection, the reminder of who someone is in Christ. Sometimes others are put in our lives to show us the same thing.

The people I've met during my journey here in Africa have changed me. With each one I've met and gotten to know, I've gathered a little piece of God that I pray will stay with me. Through each person, God is shaping me closer and closer one notch at a time into more of who I was intended to be. And the fact that He decides to do that through the use of imperfect people shows who He is. He is powerful enough to gather a lot of little broken pieces to create something beautiful.

Goodbye for Now, South Africa!

To say that my experience in South Africa was good would be way too much of an understatement. The past six weeks here have far exceeded my expectations and I found myself thinking that I'd be perfectly content staying herefor the entire six months. My prayer for this trip was that I would experience God in new ways. Through the love of my host family, the mentors and teachers at the school, and the kids I was with every day, God became more real to me as each day His all consuming love and grace became more apparent.

There were times that I wondered if we were doing more harm than good in building these connections with the people there, earning their trust, and then leaving them without a promise of when we'll see them again. Since we started in January we've been discussing that relationships are the only key to making any kind of impact and therefore these should be our focus. And just as the doubtful thoughts of if we were doing it right began to creep into my mind, God overwhelmed me with instance after instance of where He has worked through the relationships built in the past 6 weeks here both through us and for us. I am reminded that He is a relational God and because of that, love has to be at the center of my goals. When that happens, relationships are formed and He works.

After loving and being loved so fully for that long, goodbyes are guaranteed to be difficult. But God has this all planned out and has placed certain people into our lives at intentional times to complete their roles of leading us closer to Him. Some people are meant to be in our lives for a lifetime and some only a month and a half before they're gone. But we rest in the confidence that we are loved by an eternal, powerful God who isn't restricted by time limits. If His love is flowing out of us, He's at work and doing immeasurably more than we can even imagine. I am so thankful for the people He put in my path on this trip so far to guide me, care about me, welcome me, serve me, teach me, and show me who God is and how He loves in such tangible, obvious ways.

Here are some of the people/things I will miss most about South Africa...

1. This girl. My host sister, Tirzah. From day one, we clicked immediately so much so that its very obvious that God put me in this host family for a reason. I mean, what are the chances, Id be in the same house with a girl who also loves dance, hates moths, and enjoys all things sparkly? Every afternoon for the past six weeks has been spent with her, lying on my bed and chatting for hours about school, dance, life, boys and everything in between. It's almost impossible to be in a bad mood when around her fun and bubbly personality. I'm really going to miss baking together, dancing, watching movies, eating, swimming, doing yoga, making music videos, and laughing with this sweet girl. God is so good to give me the perfect "little" sister. (Who is almost as tall as me)

2. Chutney, a delicious jellyish/jamish beautiful invention that you can eat with almost anything, so delicious on meat. America is missing out.

3. Being called ma'am all of the time

4. Getting a daily snuggle from Kat, a spunky, sassy, first grader who likes to make crazy faces as much as I do and has become one of my best little friends here

5. Spending an hour and a half each day worshiping and diving into the Gods word with my teammates and the mentors that run the after school program. I have learned so much each day and have felt God speak to me the strongest through those around me during these times

6. Listening to my host dad's jokes

7. Feeling completely overwhelmed with love as I walk into the classroom each morning and am greeted by my precious grade zero students, Each day their excitement to see me is as if I haven't seen them in months.

8. Helping in the kitchen and serving food at lunch as little Quinten, the cook's 1year old toddles around by our feet eating apples that he's covered in handfuls of dirt or flashing his giant cheesy grin as we chase after him

9. Worship time at the school every Wednesday, Its an unexplainable joy seeing being surrounded by mentors and students who are full of energy, praising Jesus with all they've got. It's a joy unlike any other that overflows out of me until my cheeks hurt from smiling and my eyes start to fill with tears.

10. Tiny Kosinati in his oversized peacoat and baggy pants wrapping his little arms around my legs and looking up at me with a huge toothy grin or feeling his little hand reach up as I'm walking to grab on and hold on to my pinky

11. All of the spontaneous dance parties

12. Sneak attacks by Brrrrooooody (the only way we ever say his name), one of my favorite grade one kids. The off the wall comments, fancy feet dance moves, the intense way he shouts everything he says, and the way his eyes get wide whenever he sees me across the room make me laugh harder than anything else

13. Mischievous, confident little Angeline who struts her way across the classroom stopping to give me a little wave or a wink as she passes by my chair on the way to her seat. I will miss hearing, "Ma'am, let's go" as she grabs my hand at break everyday and bosses me around to sit so that she can plop in my lap. I'll even miss the way she scrunches up her perfect little nose and gives me a naughty smile that's irresistible when she knows she's in trouble

14. Having little hands play with my hair on days I wear it down saying, "Ma'am your hair is so nice, so fresh"

15. Catching the eye of little energy filled Amanda who then comes sprinting full force from all the way across the field, jumping into my arms religiously every day at break time

16. Holding a teeny tiny baby with down syndrome at the disabilities center until he falls asleep

17. Having 16 pairs of little eyes staring up into me with wonder as I read them a story with which they gasp so dramatically at the end and say, "WOW ma'am! What a BEAUTIFUL story! Another story?"

18. The robotic greetings the students give us, "Good morning, ma'am, how are you Ma'am?" I'm fine Ma'am, thank you. How are you Ma'am?" (They're still learning on when to cut it off so they're not just greeting me over and over all day)

19. Chatting with Ma'am Deliverance, the teacher I work with, while cutting and pasting papers into the kids journals as they color

20. The friendship of the mentors who run the after school program, being around them to watch and learn from their passion and selfless, unrelenting love that they have for the kids and the crazy amount of energy that flows out of them because of their love

21. Washing dishes with the help of two little second grade girls who work alongside us until we are done, they bring along with them cheerful giggles and the attitude of awoman 5 times their age as they bark at students older than them, "finish your food fast!" or "scrape off your plates better because they're disgusting!"

22. Spending the evening after dinner with my host family talking and laughing over and tea and chocolate

Tomorrow we move on to our next community, Lesotho where we will be working with an organization called, "Growing Nations." This program picks people from the community to mentor and teach how to farm in a practical, successful way that they can then bring back to their own villages to implement. We will spend our time learning to farm alongside of these students as well as learning from them by going to their homes and living as they live for a little over 2 weeks. Through it is tough to leave here because of the incredible experience we had, I look to these next six weeks with eager anticipation of seeing God work and finding out what it is that He has to teach me in the beautiful mountains of Lesotho.

Time to Rest

Three months ago I came on this trip ready to have God work through me, ready to see Him impact lots of people through my team, ready to work hard to love everyone I meet. I expected the experience to be really difficult and I worried about it. I let the worries consume me so much that I started dreading the day I'd have to leave my friends and family. I thought I trusted that God was going to equip me and work everything out, yet I still allowed those thoughts to take over and affect my everything. Instead of seeing this new path that He was leading me on as an exciting adventure, I viewed it as the dreaded unknown.

This is just what I do. Something scary pops up or things don't go as smoothly as I hope and I worry. There's usually nothing I can do about it anyway but I give these worries the authority to dictate my every thought until I'm completely exhausted.

I want to know Jesus more, to have an unshakable faith that can move mountains. I desire to be able to feel so close to Him that I'm able to discern His voice in this crazy world of distractions. I want to love and serve His people and bring them closer to Him. I work hard to reach these goals and become frustrated when they don't seem to be happening.

And while those are all good intentions, I get frustrated because there is NO way I can accomplish any of them. I want to do, do, do. I want to love. I want to serve. I want to grow my faith. I want to change  lives. But instead Jesus is telling me to just rest.

Rest?! I didn't raise a lot of money, take six months out of my life, and fly to the other side of the world to rest. But again, I hear Him whisper to rest.

At first I was completely confused by this concept. I know God wants me here in Africa for a reason. There are things I'm supposed to accomplish while I'm here but how can I do that by just resting?

That's just it though. I'm not supposed to DO anything except love Him and let Him do the rest. We were created to abide in Him. We don't have to get overwhelmed in searching to hear His voice because He's IN us. In fact, we couldnt possibly be any closer together.

When we abide in Him, everything else falls into place. We don't have to TRY to love others but rather, it will flow out of us naturally. When we realize the impact of His promise to be everything for us, our mindset changes. We don't have to worry so much about getting it all right because we know His grace covers us. The pressure is off. We're finally free, and not just in the sense that He gave us salvation on the cross but in every single aspect of our lives!

I still don't understand exactly what it means to rest in Him. But He is gently guiding me and teaching me through little glimpses of grace what that looks like. Here's what I've gathered so far...

Resting in Him means not worrying about the unknown, what life in Lesotho will look like, where I'll stay, or what scary things I may be eating. It means not spending time on stressing about being able to find a teaching job halfway through summer when I get back. Instead, its finding peace in knowing He's already got it under control and will reveal it all to me at the perfect time.

Resting is when somewhat menial tasks such as copying and pasting homework into journals or doing the dishes after lunch take on a significant importance knowing that God is using those little moments to greatly impact His kingdom.

It's believing in the bigger picture, and being confident that God places us in each others lives for a reason. He gives us room to take time to appreciate those around us and learn from them. It's allowing Him to direct our focus so that our eyes can be open to see Him working. Its seeing God's intense love for His children through the passion and enthusiasm of the mentors leading the after school program.

Resting is not paying attention to the time but celebrating God in every moment. It's taking the extra time to snuggle and make an extremely shy student laugh so that they're comfortable enough to answer questions on their oral test. Its taking a break to sit and talk with another person, not thinking about anything else but giving them your full attention. Its seeing them as a valuable creation that has something to offer.

Its not getting anxious about doing enough or loving the right people because it brings a confidence that He's working no matter what and guiding you on the path He wants. It's investing in a first graders life by daily giving her hugs and carrying her around because you believe that God connected you for a reason. Its playing ball with a dirt smudged little boy you can't communicate with because you know God wants you to spend more time loving Him that day even if its just kicking a ball around.

Its not feeling guilt and failure over not reading your Bible that day. Rather  it's being filled by constantly living in His presence instead of filling yourself up by completing a task.

Resting in Him allows you to have love for someone who upset you only a few days prior. It gives constant joy being in His presence. It gives you purpose in knowing He's working even if you can't see it. It gives you love when you don't feel like loving and hope when all hope seems lost. It gives clarity and peace knowing we aren't alone and it provides endless grace for when we do mess up.

Learning to rest sounds a lot easier than it is and right now I only understand a tiny portion. But its a process that I'm so thankful He's leading me on. Of course even when we are abiding in Him, life isn't going to be perfect. We live in a broken, messed up world where we're always going to have troubles. But how great is it that our God loves us so much that He promises to take care of it all.
So I guess I'll be taking these next three and a half months and beyond that to rest in His goodness with the expectation that He will move. Resting isn't doing nothing, but its letting God do everything through you.

Less trying and more resting, people!

It's all about me.

I'm selfish.

 This is one of the main things I've really noticed about myself these past three weeks. I mean, I've always known that I'm a sinful being and thus, naturally selfish but I had kind of accepted that and ignored how much that fact is infused into every single part of my life. As I learn more and more about what it means to be selfless, I see how much I really think it should be all about me.

I sit in training and hear stories of past immersion participants who have had to help slaughter goats, carry heavy water buckets on their heads in the intense heat for miles, and eat meat off of some kind of skull by picking it out with a little fork. And my thoughts are, "WHAT?! No, no, no. No thank you,God. None of that seems all that pleasant to me and while I'm here ready to serve these next few months, I think I could be better used in other areas where I'm not expected to do hard labor and consume things that make me want to puke."

Then I'm informed that many girls come back actually gaining weight from this trip as their diet in Africa consists only of protein and carbs. "I did not sign up to gain weight on this. I'd really rather not come back in the height of swimsuit season heavier than I was."

Then we arrive the first night in New York and I see the classroom we're sleeping in for two weeks. On a mat. On the floor. With about 10 other girls. With a security light that NEVER goes off. "Neat."

One day at my service site, we're asked to shovel the entire morning. And my first thoughts when I hear this? "I hate shoveling. This sucks. I hope it goes fast."

As I become more aware of these selfish thoughts and desires creeping into my mind constantly, I notice my first thought waking up almost instantly is that I want to sleep longer. Getting on the subway and with an hour commute to Brooklyn, I groan in my mind about how long it is or how uncomfortable I am being squished between two strangers.

I sound like quite the princess after reading all of this outloud so its kind of embarrassing to post. Some of you may be thinking I'll never make it in Africa. But here's why I'm sharing this:

Even in the midst of my selfishness and complaints, even when I'm doing things for the wrong intentions, even when God has prepared something incredible for me and I think I know best and tell him, "uh, no thanks God, surely there's something better I could do," HE STILL LOVES ME.

If I were Him, I would have dropped me a long time ago. I would have told me to shut up and stop complaining because being God, I obviously know what's best. But He doesnt. In fact, instead he showers me with more blessings than I could ever imagine, even though there is no way I even slightly deserve them.

Though after reading the top of this, it doesnt aound like it, these past three weeks have been an amazing start to my six month journey. God has humbled me and shown me over and over that He's got this. He's ALWAYS going to provide and He's NEVER going to leave me hanging.

On day two of my week of training in Indiana, God showed me that He already had friends picked out for me that were going to come alongside me in this adventure and support me in every way. It was amazing how quickly our team clicked and bonded. It's obvious that these relationships could only be formed this quickly, this strongly, by God himself.  My teammates are genuine and caring, examples of Christ's love in everyday life. They're also hilarious and fun to be around, making me laugh and providing me with joy even in the most exhausting and annoying of times.

God gave me an amazing place to serve these past two weeks, the Salvation Army in Bay Ridge in Brooklyn. This church is doing an unbelievably awesome job at seeing their community as a mission field and reaching out in love to all that need it. We were able to help them clean and organize their huge food pantry, do some cleaning, shoveling, organizing their basement, and helping with the kids at the after school program. The staff were welcoming and kind, going above and beyond to make us feel loved on and appreciated. They spoiled us with pizza, donuts, cookies, tours around the neighborhood, and a trip to Cony Island. It meant so much for them to go out of their way and serve us which taught me a lot. I pray that we can carry that on and impact those we meet everywhere we go.

In the past, I have decided to be selfless only to the point that I wanted to be. But God isn't content with just getting part of me. He wants all of me. We're not called to live a life where we get to decide on the limits of how much we love or serve someone. And while that really doesn't sound like all that much fun, the beginning of this trip is proof that when you do your best to give Him everything, (even when you fail) He gives far more than you can even imagine.

He gave me a new family I get to spend this next half of a year with while away from those I love the most. He's shown me He's working all over the place through different people and in ways I've never thought of. He brought together people from all different walks of life to worship together and praise His name. He's teaching me what it means to die to myself and become more of the person he wants me to be. And! He let me explore New York, a city I've always wanted to visit.

As we get ready to leave tomorrow, I'm just thankful for these past two weeks in Harlem, to learn, love, and build relationships even when I don't deserve it, turning my selfish moments into some that I'm most thankful for. Though I started this journey three weeks ago with an anxious, nervous, and sad heart, God replaced it with a joyful excitement of what's to come these next few months.

SEE YA ON TUESDAY, AFRICA!!!!!

He must become greater, I must become less. John 3:30

12 Hours Till Go Time!

The main questions I've received the past few weeks...

"Are you ready for your trip?!"
    -"Nope."

"You're all packed?"
   -"Not even close." (That is, until 8:00pm the night before)

"Are you so excited?!"
    -"Ehh...Not exactly."

"Are you nervous?"
    -"YES!"

I'm going to Africa. For SIX MONTHS. I can repeat this as many times as I want but no matter how many times I do it, I still can't believe it. It still doesn't feel real. It's the night before but I still don't feel ready and I don't think I ever really will. This is just one of those things where I have to jump in head first, relying on God to catch me.

I'm sure when people ask me the above questions, they are expecting a huge smile to cover my face and for me to enthusiastically answer all of the questions right away.  They probably expect me to give an eager countdown until the day I leave or to talk about how I've been so excited that I started packing months ago. But if I'm going to be honest, I feel far from those things. The past few days have been filled with a HUGE array of emotions, happy to be with family, thankfully aware of each little moment with them, stressed that I won't finish everything in time or that I'll forget something, upset with each and every goodbye, terrified that things won't go the way I hope, doubtful that I'm doing the right thing, and nervous of all of the unknown.

The things that are causing me the most anxiety are the time, distance, and lack of communication. I have never been that far from home for this long with such an unsure mode of communication. The past few days have been hard saying goodbye to the people that I love the most and there have been several times that I have wanted to throw in the towel and give up because it's too hard.

BUT, I know that part of God's plan includes me going on this trip. My emotions change as my circumstances change, but God NEVER changes. He is the only constant I have and I can have faith in His plan. In each and every adventure that He's taken me on, He has held my hand the whole way through and never let me fall. He's pushed me a little bit further each and every time and has been preparing me for this. Once again, He's asking me to trust Him and lean into Him with all that I have which is what this trip will force me to do. God tells us over and over in the Bible to not be afraid. I believe that if fear is the ONLY thing keeping you back from doing something, it's not a good enough reason. The experiences that I've had that were the ones I was most nervous for were also the most life-changing ones, the times when I felt closest to God, when I most clearly saw Him at work, or when He grew me the most as a person.

Does this mean I feel totally confident going into this? No. But it does mean that I can cling to His promises  throughout this experience regardless of my feelings. Throughout this whole process leading up to this trip, everything fell perfectly into place. The bulk of my trip was paid for from the beginning through a surprise circumstance. Then in the months between returning from Guatemala and leaving for this trip, I was offered a long-term substitute position for that exact amount of time. When I realized I needed more money for a plane ticket and equipment, I sold the exact amount of shirts that I needed to cover the costs plus extra. The total of this trip was over $10,000 and God completely provided me with that and more. It's like He's saying, "Jackie, I've got you. I'm taking care of every little thing. And you still don't trust me after that?! Here's even some more to prove to you that I have it covered and you don't need to do anything but show up." After saying this, I amaze myself with how dumb I can be, still wondering if this is what I'm supposed to be doing. But even then, He starts sending me love and encouragement through the amazing people in my life in the form of tons of text messages, calls, notes, and prayers. He knows exactly what I need when I need it and always provides. Why would it be any different in another continent? There is no way I shouldn't be confident in Him.

God is incredible and following Him is an adventure. Never would I have imagined myself heading to Africa after college but here I am. Yes, I'm still scared and yes, I'm going to miss home and all of the amazing people in it, but I'm clinging to His hand as tightly as I can, anxiously awaiting what it is that He wants to show me.