Goodbye for Now, South Africa!

To say that my experience in South Africa was good would be way too much of an understatement. The past six weeks here have far exceeded my expectations and I found myself thinking that I'd be perfectly content staying herefor the entire six months. My prayer for this trip was that I would experience God in new ways. Through the love of my host family, the mentors and teachers at the school, and the kids I was with every day, God became more real to me as each day His all consuming love and grace became more apparent.

There were times that I wondered if we were doing more harm than good in building these connections with the people there, earning their trust, and then leaving them without a promise of when we'll see them again. Since we started in January we've been discussing that relationships are the only key to making any kind of impact and therefore these should be our focus. And just as the doubtful thoughts of if we were doing it right began to creep into my mind, God overwhelmed me with instance after instance of where He has worked through the relationships built in the past 6 weeks here both through us and for us. I am reminded that He is a relational God and because of that, love has to be at the center of my goals. When that happens, relationships are formed and He works.

After loving and being loved so fully for that long, goodbyes are guaranteed to be difficult. But God has this all planned out and has placed certain people into our lives at intentional times to complete their roles of leading us closer to Him. Some people are meant to be in our lives for a lifetime and some only a month and a half before they're gone. But we rest in the confidence that we are loved by an eternal, powerful God who isn't restricted by time limits. If His love is flowing out of us, He's at work and doing immeasurably more than we can even imagine. I am so thankful for the people He put in my path on this trip so far to guide me, care about me, welcome me, serve me, teach me, and show me who God is and how He loves in such tangible, obvious ways.

Here are some of the people/things I will miss most about South Africa...

1. This girl. My host sister, Tirzah. From day one, we clicked immediately so much so that its very obvious that God put me in this host family for a reason. I mean, what are the chances, Id be in the same house with a girl who also loves dance, hates moths, and enjoys all things sparkly? Every afternoon for the past six weeks has been spent with her, lying on my bed and chatting for hours about school, dance, life, boys and everything in between. It's almost impossible to be in a bad mood when around her fun and bubbly personality. I'm really going to miss baking together, dancing, watching movies, eating, swimming, doing yoga, making music videos, and laughing with this sweet girl. God is so good to give me the perfect "little" sister. (Who is almost as tall as me)

2. Chutney, a delicious jellyish/jamish beautiful invention that you can eat with almost anything, so delicious on meat. America is missing out.

3. Being called ma'am all of the time

4. Getting a daily snuggle from Kat, a spunky, sassy, first grader who likes to make crazy faces as much as I do and has become one of my best little friends here

5. Spending an hour and a half each day worshiping and diving into the Gods word with my teammates and the mentors that run the after school program. I have learned so much each day and have felt God speak to me the strongest through those around me during these times

6. Listening to my host dad's jokes

7. Feeling completely overwhelmed with love as I walk into the classroom each morning and am greeted by my precious grade zero students, Each day their excitement to see me is as if I haven't seen them in months.

8. Helping in the kitchen and serving food at lunch as little Quinten, the cook's 1year old toddles around by our feet eating apples that he's covered in handfuls of dirt or flashing his giant cheesy grin as we chase after him

9. Worship time at the school every Wednesday, Its an unexplainable joy seeing being surrounded by mentors and students who are full of energy, praising Jesus with all they've got. It's a joy unlike any other that overflows out of me until my cheeks hurt from smiling and my eyes start to fill with tears.

10. Tiny Kosinati in his oversized peacoat and baggy pants wrapping his little arms around my legs and looking up at me with a huge toothy grin or feeling his little hand reach up as I'm walking to grab on and hold on to my pinky

11. All of the spontaneous dance parties

12. Sneak attacks by Brrrrooooody (the only way we ever say his name), one of my favorite grade one kids. The off the wall comments, fancy feet dance moves, the intense way he shouts everything he says, and the way his eyes get wide whenever he sees me across the room make me laugh harder than anything else

13. Mischievous, confident little Angeline who struts her way across the classroom stopping to give me a little wave or a wink as she passes by my chair on the way to her seat. I will miss hearing, "Ma'am, let's go" as she grabs my hand at break everyday and bosses me around to sit so that she can plop in my lap. I'll even miss the way she scrunches up her perfect little nose and gives me a naughty smile that's irresistible when she knows she's in trouble

14. Having little hands play with my hair on days I wear it down saying, "Ma'am your hair is so nice, so fresh"

15. Catching the eye of little energy filled Amanda who then comes sprinting full force from all the way across the field, jumping into my arms religiously every day at break time

16. Holding a teeny tiny baby with down syndrome at the disabilities center until he falls asleep

17. Having 16 pairs of little eyes staring up into me with wonder as I read them a story with which they gasp so dramatically at the end and say, "WOW ma'am! What a BEAUTIFUL story! Another story?"

18. The robotic greetings the students give us, "Good morning, ma'am, how are you Ma'am?" I'm fine Ma'am, thank you. How are you Ma'am?" (They're still learning on when to cut it off so they're not just greeting me over and over all day)

19. Chatting with Ma'am Deliverance, the teacher I work with, while cutting and pasting papers into the kids journals as they color

20. The friendship of the mentors who run the after school program, being around them to watch and learn from their passion and selfless, unrelenting love that they have for the kids and the crazy amount of energy that flows out of them because of their love

21. Washing dishes with the help of two little second grade girls who work alongside us until we are done, they bring along with them cheerful giggles and the attitude of awoman 5 times their age as they bark at students older than them, "finish your food fast!" or "scrape off your plates better because they're disgusting!"

22. Spending the evening after dinner with my host family talking and laughing over and tea and chocolate

Tomorrow we move on to our next community, Lesotho where we will be working with an organization called, "Growing Nations." This program picks people from the community to mentor and teach how to farm in a practical, successful way that they can then bring back to their own villages to implement. We will spend our time learning to farm alongside of these students as well as learning from them by going to their homes and living as they live for a little over 2 weeks. Through it is tough to leave here because of the incredible experience we had, I look to these next six weeks with eager anticipation of seeing God work and finding out what it is that He has to teach me in the beautiful mountains of Lesotho.

Time to Rest

Three months ago I came on this trip ready to have God work through me, ready to see Him impact lots of people through my team, ready to work hard to love everyone I meet. I expected the experience to be really difficult and I worried about it. I let the worries consume me so much that I started dreading the day I'd have to leave my friends and family. I thought I trusted that God was going to equip me and work everything out, yet I still allowed those thoughts to take over and affect my everything. Instead of seeing this new path that He was leading me on as an exciting adventure, I viewed it as the dreaded unknown.

This is just what I do. Something scary pops up or things don't go as smoothly as I hope and I worry. There's usually nothing I can do about it anyway but I give these worries the authority to dictate my every thought until I'm completely exhausted.

I want to know Jesus more, to have an unshakable faith that can move mountains. I desire to be able to feel so close to Him that I'm able to discern His voice in this crazy world of distractions. I want to love and serve His people and bring them closer to Him. I work hard to reach these goals and become frustrated when they don't seem to be happening.

And while those are all good intentions, I get frustrated because there is NO way I can accomplish any of them. I want to do, do, do. I want to love. I want to serve. I want to grow my faith. I want to change  lives. But instead Jesus is telling me to just rest.

Rest?! I didn't raise a lot of money, take six months out of my life, and fly to the other side of the world to rest. But again, I hear Him whisper to rest.

At first I was completely confused by this concept. I know God wants me here in Africa for a reason. There are things I'm supposed to accomplish while I'm here but how can I do that by just resting?

That's just it though. I'm not supposed to DO anything except love Him and let Him do the rest. We were created to abide in Him. We don't have to get overwhelmed in searching to hear His voice because He's IN us. In fact, we couldnt possibly be any closer together.

When we abide in Him, everything else falls into place. We don't have to TRY to love others but rather, it will flow out of us naturally. When we realize the impact of His promise to be everything for us, our mindset changes. We don't have to worry so much about getting it all right because we know His grace covers us. The pressure is off. We're finally free, and not just in the sense that He gave us salvation on the cross but in every single aspect of our lives!

I still don't understand exactly what it means to rest in Him. But He is gently guiding me and teaching me through little glimpses of grace what that looks like. Here's what I've gathered so far...

Resting in Him means not worrying about the unknown, what life in Lesotho will look like, where I'll stay, or what scary things I may be eating. It means not spending time on stressing about being able to find a teaching job halfway through summer when I get back. Instead, its finding peace in knowing He's already got it under control and will reveal it all to me at the perfect time.

Resting is when somewhat menial tasks such as copying and pasting homework into journals or doing the dishes after lunch take on a significant importance knowing that God is using those little moments to greatly impact His kingdom.

It's believing in the bigger picture, and being confident that God places us in each others lives for a reason. He gives us room to take time to appreciate those around us and learn from them. It's allowing Him to direct our focus so that our eyes can be open to see Him working. Its seeing God's intense love for His children through the passion and enthusiasm of the mentors leading the after school program.

Resting is not paying attention to the time but celebrating God in every moment. It's taking the extra time to snuggle and make an extremely shy student laugh so that they're comfortable enough to answer questions on their oral test. Its taking a break to sit and talk with another person, not thinking about anything else but giving them your full attention. Its seeing them as a valuable creation that has something to offer.

Its not getting anxious about doing enough or loving the right people because it brings a confidence that He's working no matter what and guiding you on the path He wants. It's investing in a first graders life by daily giving her hugs and carrying her around because you believe that God connected you for a reason. Its playing ball with a dirt smudged little boy you can't communicate with because you know God wants you to spend more time loving Him that day even if its just kicking a ball around.

Its not feeling guilt and failure over not reading your Bible that day. Rather  it's being filled by constantly living in His presence instead of filling yourself up by completing a task.

Resting in Him allows you to have love for someone who upset you only a few days prior. It gives constant joy being in His presence. It gives you purpose in knowing He's working even if you can't see it. It gives you love when you don't feel like loving and hope when all hope seems lost. It gives clarity and peace knowing we aren't alone and it provides endless grace for when we do mess up.

Learning to rest sounds a lot easier than it is and right now I only understand a tiny portion. But its a process that I'm so thankful He's leading me on. Of course even when we are abiding in Him, life isn't going to be perfect. We live in a broken, messed up world where we're always going to have troubles. But how great is it that our God loves us so much that He promises to take care of it all.
So I guess I'll be taking these next three and a half months and beyond that to rest in His goodness with the expectation that He will move. Resting isn't doing nothing, but its letting God do everything through you.

Less trying and more resting, people!